Click on the individual photos for the full in-your-face Patel experience. It's like being blasted in the face by a water cannon. Wear goggles.

Beardless photos are (c) Andy Hollingworth Archive, yawning photo is Ben Fogg @benfogg and pencil in beard photo is Rob Greig.

The homepage image of me on a quad bike is by Matt Beese at www.wemeanthis.com who threatened me with legal action unless I credited him (I sent him a picture of a kitten on WhatsApp, which calmed him slightly, so hopefully I have avoided another ruinous legal episode).